BROWN, DARLING, AND A DOG

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said,

'Alastair , I have a great idea!? We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' Said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, Oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, .......... Oh! And remember not to mention the 'Hunting With Dogs' Act

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, Two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown.

'Good evening, Prime Minister' Said the landlord, 'two pints of Best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail and  looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling.

People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' Said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that??? Is It an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' Said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. Hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Strange news stories from around the world!
 

'Man' gives birth - again

A US man who was born a woman before undergoing gender realignment surgery has given birth to his second child.

Thomas Beatie, who is legally male but decided to keep his female sex organs, attracted worldwide headlines last year after revealing his first pregnancy.

The 35-year-old gave birth to a baby girl in Oregon last July and this week celebrated the arrival of a baby boy, ABC News reports.

Mr Beatie was last year dubbed the 'pregnant man' after appearing on Oprah Winfrey's talk show to discuss his pregnancy.

"I feel it's not a male or female desire to have a child. It's a human need. I'm a person and I have the right to have a biological child," he said.

Mr Beatie revealed that he'd been "shocked" by the amount of publicity the couple had received, insisting they were just like any other family.

"We are a man, woman and child. It's ironic that we are so different but yet, we're just a family, just the same as anyone else," he said.

When asked why he made many people uneasy, he said, "I think that people are not used to seeing the image of a pregnant man."

This is for all my 'bright' friends.
I wish you the best and... be honest.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
Please answer all questions before looking at the answers..

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made from?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?


All done?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

To check your answers, press the read more link.

History Lesson,

YOU ALL SHOULD READ IT .....MAKES SENSE.....THE OLE DAYS....HOW HISTORY STAYS

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London which used to have gallows adjacent.

Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial - of course) to be hung.

The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like one LAST DRINK.

If he said YES it was referred to as "ONE FOR THE ROAD"

If he declined, that prisoner was - "ON THE WAGON"

So - there you go.

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They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

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The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.  Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June... However, since they were starting to smell . ...... . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour, hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip an d fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt.. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold...

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(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said History was boring!

To read some funny news stories and headlines we have found, press the
read more link.