Sadly, Michael Jackson has passed away after suffering a cardiac arrest ... which is quite a common cause of death … in fact ... I believe it would be difficult to die without suffering a cardiac arrest.
He will be recycled on Monday morning and melted down into Lego, so that kids can still play with his bits. They have had to cancel his London dates, John (8), Stephen (12), Alan (9) and they still don't know how he died, but I believe they are blaming it on the boogie.

Sorry, is it a bit too soon  for jokes? Not being weird or anything, but when exactly is it all good to crack jokes. Yes, i'm expecting a backlash, but I don't really care. You were all making jokes  the day before, hell, even 10 years before.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!!  

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in!

Q: What's brown and in a baby's nappy?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.

He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

BREAKING NEWS!

Casper the friendly ghost was raped in the early hours of this morning!

---

The Day a Penis asked for a Raise

I, P Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

 

---

Professor at Glasgow University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,  

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied,  

"He's at IBROX watching RANGERS"!

---

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Press here to find your MP and view their expenses claims

 The Scottish Post is a free website and is financed by

fraudulant claims ..... honest mistakes

MPs Expenses  by Peter Coia 

The media and the government keep reporting that the people who leaked the information about MPs expenses, have seriously damaged the political system?

It is my opinion that the only people who have done 'serious damage to the political system', are the MPs who have milked the system and expect us to listen to their feeble, arrogant excuses.

These people should wake-up and realise that they are answerable to the voters and taxpayers that they have been stealing from.

The way it appears to people like myself, is that MPs think that they are above the law and that what we are being told is only the tip of the iceberg! One now wonders whether these perks are also available to non-elected members of the government and civil servants?

These arrogant .. hypocritical .. thieves .. should be sacked the same as any other employee who steals from their employer; and their crimes reported to the Police.

Nearly every MP who has been questioned about their expenses by the media, have responded in the same way, which is that 'the rules allow me to steal your money, now piss off and let me get back to work'. You may think MPs are smiling when answering these questions, but this is just the way they look when they are lying through their teeth.

It also appears that the words 'fraudulent claims' are not a part of an MPs vocabulary and have been replaced by the words 'honest mistakes'. Can you think of anyone who didn't know that they had finished paying their mortgage? This form of amnesia only seems to affect MPs. The only ‘honest mistake' that these MPs have made is that they thought 'MPs' stood for ‘Mortgage Payments'!

I think that in future, ballot papers should state the job description and give details of the wages and any 'perks' that the applicant for the position of MP will receive. After all they will be employed by us; and we the taxpayers, will be paying their wages.

Many have also mentioned that they were earning more before they became MPs. Well they knew the wages beforehand, no-one forced them to stand for election and this is no excuse for stealing our money!

If this is their attitude, I can't wait until the next election and I hope that these people will be unemployed the same as the rest of us!

This is the peoples chance to give the whole political system a laxative and flush out all the waste!

I'm off to rob a Bank now. If I get caught, I'll just say I'm sorry and give them some of the money back ........... darn it! ........ too late ........ the Banks seem to have lost all their money .... I wonder where it all went?

Peter Coia

VOTE FOR PETER COIA
and you can watch the
Big Match on his new giant
FLAT SCREEN TELEVISION!
Don't worry if you live too far away
just let him know and he'll buy another home next to yours!

They’re here at last!

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.  

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,

but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.

He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband.

The first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam!!

This is for all my 'bright' friends.
I wish you the best and... be honest.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
Please answer all questions before looking at the answers..

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made from?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?


All done?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

To check your answers, press the read more link.

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