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 Hi Peter here!
Do you like my tattoo?
I thought it was the best tattoo in the world................................
until I went to prison!!!
Never let the kids cut your hair! →
" If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? "
Here's something that will give you all a good laugh!
Press here and you can hear me trying to sing!
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They’re here at last!
One of the greatest folk rock bands to come out of the UK the JSD Band is now on MySpace!!
They topped the bill with the likes of Status Quo, Sly and the Family Stone, Johnny Winter and Lou Reed and were supported by acts such as Joan Armatrading, The Average White Band and the Sensational Alex Harvey Band.
David Bowie invited them to support him on his first British Tour of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars in 1972, and individual members of the band played on David Bowie's records at that time.
You can hear their music by clicking these links;
JSD Band
Des Coffield
Sean O'Rourke
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In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Loads of jokes from readers! |
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The Luck Of The Irish!
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem der little budgies in dat cage up der,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds then leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says. 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
Moment's later Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi,Paddy. Watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying! dat parrotshooting either!'
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears, he's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat! First der was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
Just The Ticket!
Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football game.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man'.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
Golf Balls
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
What's a 710?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here
Two women just called at my door and asked what bread I ate?
I said white, so they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 mins.
Fecking Hovis Witnesses..........
Shipwreck!
An Aberdonian was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aberdonian. Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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This is for all my 'bright' friends.
I wish you the best and... be honest.
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
Please answer all questions before looking at the answers..
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made from?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
To check your answers, press the read more link.
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A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked her what's wrong the frog says,
"I got something stuck to my ass!"
Did you hear about the 80-pound man with the 40-pound testicles?
People say he was half-nuts!
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